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And I Will Be Winning
Dragging myself along, weighed down by imperfection. Too wobbly, too fat, too wrong. All wrong. All wrong with no explanation. Tears without reason. Unexplained sobs. Change what you can. Cut out the crap. Just healthy. Seek perfection. Take control. Lunch time smells of pizza and chips. Resist. Just black coffee, diet coke and cigarette.
And I will be slim, and I will be smiling, and I will be winning. Not enough. Not yet. The scales say I’m smaller. Body still screaming. Crying out. Too big. Shouting in shame at its reflection. Sinking lower and lower into denial. One apple, one cracker. 9 hours of dance. ‘It’s enough. I ate before. I’m not hungry. I’ll eat tons later.’ Keep going. Pain means its working. Surely. Enjoy the hunger, the growling sensation, the shakes, the dizziness. Drink it up, savour it. The clean clear feeling of control. And I will be light, and I will be numb, and I will be winning. Stark lights scream fear. Medical terms manipulate the air. Needles. Drips. Glucose and forticips. No control. Missing out. Missing life. Missing. Just a shell. No substance. No energy left for life. Losing. Break it down, make it safe. Observe. Calculate. How many calories? Round up not down. Be safe. Add pepper. One sachet. Breathe. 40 minute time limit. Peas. 20 forks. Two peas on each. One on the end of each outer prong. One pea left. Odd numbers don’t work. Let it ‘slip’ off your plate. Sip the squash. Potatoes. Boiled. 4. One at a time. Split into half, half the halves, split those again. 8 pieces. Times 4. 32 bites. One piece at a time. Chew slowly. Count the bites, 18, 19, 20, swallow. Sip the squash. Vege sausages in onion gravy. Too many ingredients, don’t panic. Think logic, structure. Structure makes it safer. Separate the onions, one piece at a time. Eat the smallest first. Work your way up. Sausages. 2. Cut off the ends. Split tham in half. Slice all the way along. 5mm thick. Not too big, not too small. Eat the vegetables from each slice first. Then the rest. Sip the squash. Summer fruit crumble. With custard. Custard first, get it out of the way. Clean it off the crumble. The tip of the spoon yellow. 32 yellow tipped spoons. Fruits. Blackcurrants- 4. Raspberries 5. Odd numbers don’t work, break the last one in half. Make it 6. Apple. 2 pieces. Too big, cut them in half. Crumble. 5 pence sized pieces. No more. Keep it slow. Notice. 18 mouthfuls. Keep control. Sip the squash. I will cry, I will shake, and I will panic. I will be terrified, hating every mouthful. I will keep going; forcing myself to continue though the tears because I refuse to let you win. I will be eating. I will be fighting. I will be winning. |
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